I always pull back from people whenever I open up to much. It is something I have learned to do while I was a military wife. I learned really fast that if I let people in they will hurt me with what I had said. It happened a lot of times. One time that comes to mind is I let people into my life and I let them know some of my past about the drugs and drinking and things that happened with my daughter. One night they decided that they wanted to throw empty beer bottles at my home because they were no longer friends with me. At the time the military still employed the yard "Nazi" (which basically is a Soldier that went around the housing units to make sure that we kept up our lawns, and homes). I had told him what happened, at the time my son was around 3-4 years old so it was rather dangerous that they were doing this. Well, they got a slap on the wrist for doing this. That night we had the military police (mp's) at our door. They took Jason out of the house, the kids in separate rooms and I was alone in the den. They were going to arrest him for abuse to me, and the kids. The people told them our house had cat and dog poop all around and outside! Jason could of lost his career over this. All because they didn't like us anymore, the fact we had reported them for throwing empty beer bottles at our home!
That is only 1 story among the many that I could give you that has happened over the years. I know I can't keep looking back and making the decisions that I am based on the past. I am working on that and it is a hard road. I have some great ladies at the church that I now attend and I have let them in, they do not know everything. I want to let them know, I am so scared to let them know. I fear that they would look at me totally different if they knew everything about me and things that I have done. The things that have been done to me.
I know that I am a broken person. I know that I cannot change anything that has been done to me or things that I have done. I know that I can only go on with the future and change the things that will come. I also know that I need to put all my trust and faith into God. Do you know how hard that is for me? How hard to let him take that control? Especially when I let Him have that control and when I needed Him in the most dire circumstance He was not with me! He did not help me! He did not stop what was happening! And when I did what I thought would help the people that He puts in charge of churches turns around and says I was the one at fault, I was not doing things the way I was suppose to, I needed to do better. How do you put your faith back into God? How do you put your faith back in God when you have memories of your childhood and those memories are horrible? How do you put faith in God when you feel that no one wants you, that you are not worthy? If your own mother didn't want you and all those foster homes didn't want you and the only reason was for money, and you got abused there and that was the only reasons! Your own mother RUNS away with your brother and doesn't even look back. How do you do it?
I must apologize again. I went on a bit of a rant! It felt good to finally say the words. Maybe I am not the only one out there that feels this way? Maybe someone out there feels the same way? It sucks knowing that you want to love God and want to follow Him but there is a piece inside you that keeps you away from doing so. How do I get over that piece? How did I just give it to Him?
-Tammy
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